things we lost in the storm.

i have been struck.

as thunder rattles the panes of my bedroom windows, i lay in bed with my thoughts, my laptop, and a glass of water. the occasional flash of light is all that tears my eyes away from the screen in front of me while i sit here and try to organize my thoughts. my eyes dart to my door each time a change in pressure shakes it. aside from my concentration on this entry, i am asking myself...

what did i lose in the storm?

its dangerous for one to sit alone with their thoughts for too long. it all just becomes a rabbit hole of one memory after another after another. here, in the dark, with the storm going on outside, i had a repressed memory come back to me. and for the first time ever, i am going to talk about it, and the events that followed in a public forum. my mother has been able to do this, but i havent. i mainly only talk about what happened with my family and a few very close friends, but im trying to keep this blog as a journal of my life so, tonight, this makes the cut...

i was molested as a child.

thats what this is going to be about so if you dont wish to hear more feel free to stop reading now. for 8 years of my childhood i was molested by a member of my family. for the first time tonight i am recalling the very first incident. or at least the earliest one i have remembered to date. it happened during a thunder storm when i was staying at his home in the backwoods of alabama. i was, obviously, very young and got really scared. i went to him to see if he could sit up with me for a bit. he came into my room and then, for the first time, it happened. somehow tonight for the first time im remembering it. and im remembering details. why? its been so long ago and ive burried all of that. i know that in order to move forward we need to face our past so, as mentioned before, im asking myself... what did i lose in the storm?

since i came out with the truth about what happened to me as a child, ive had mixed feelings about my decision. i dont remember quite enough details to really make a good case, so of course the investigation hit a wall and fizzled away. the man who molested me is still playing house with his wife and son while i sit in a dark room, during a storm, recounting the night he ruined me. life just isnt fair sometimes. but... ive accepted my lot and since breaking the news to my family, ive made an effort to move on. i think ive done alright. some disagree. some dont believe it happened at all. some are my own family. but only i know the truth, and most of that even i have coated in enough cushion to lessen the blows my head likes to throw at me from time to time. in the past few months, however, it seems my happy past i created in my head is beginning to chip and crack. suddenly the ugly truth is showing its face and im having to, at long last, deal with it. im seeing the effects he had on me in my friendships and in my relationships. he took from me something important. my trust. a little boy who was only afraid of a storm, suddenly had to also be afraid of the refuge he sought from it. and the wheel goes round and round. sometimes i feel like i just dont have anywhere to go. i can go to my family, sure. but some things just hurt too much for me to talk about. and, because im gay, some things they just dont want to hear.

case in point - john.

the man who molested me took another profound piece of me. my self worth. for this reason, i have put myself in relationships that were less that healthy for me. i never believed that my relationship with john was one of those. until it was. no one. no one will ever know or understand how deeply i loved him. i could tell you. i could go on and on and try to explain to you my feelings. but nothing would come close. i loved him past both his and my faults. but, he was cloudy. he covered up important details about himself. he rained. he pouredon promises that he, himself knew he would never keep. he struck. guy after guy. maybe he even struck the same place twice. who knows? all the while i was just standing there. no umbrella. drowning in him. being blown from here to manhattan and back again. and for what? for an "i love you" which ended up being an "i love you if..." what did i lose in his storm? short term, i lost music. i lost a smile. i lost weight. i lost a friend. long term, i lost naiveness. indiana. some trust. and even after all that, im still most sad that i lost him.

as the thunder fades into the distance outside my window, i am looking forward to taking a walk outside tomorrow. seeing if any real damage has been done and thinking about the changes that it may bring. im looking at my future. im slowly building myself back up after going through two terrible storms in my life. im excited to see what grows from it. ive learned lessons that i dont even realize yet. im sure the memories will stay. its best that they do. i need a constant reminder to never go walking in a storm without an umbrella again. i feel ive taken back a lot of what i lost. there are still many things left to pick up, but i feel im off to a good start. i may never get it all back. but hopefully what ive gained will far exceed what i lost.