vagabond shoes.

"... you only get one great love. new york may just be mine. and i cant have no one talking shit about my boyfriend." - carrie bradshaw

nothing compounds a desire for new york more than a sex and the city marathon. ive been watching the entire series mainly because every episode offers a glimpse back into a life i so dearly miss. the noises, the smells, the people. new york is like my favorite cd. a collection of songs i could listen to over and over again. its amazing how a place so hard to live in could be equally as hard to leave. i've been away from it for two months and i think this city boy is ready to reclaim his territory.

my grandparents were here tonight.

the are visiting from virgina. they stopped in after dropping my aunt off at her place, where they are staying. hung around for a few minutes and then left, but not before the shower of love (and yawns) that all grandparents are good for. they had a lot of opinions on my going back to new york. " i sure hope you know what you're doing." and "you're killing yourself." were among the chestnuts. neither my parents, nor my grandparents understand my relationship with new york. my mother believes i want to be there solely for the purpose of fun. truth be told, yes, new york is infinately more fun than this place. but for me, new york is like my ocean, and indiana like my beach. the beach is a good place to lay your towel and you can always go to your little spot to fill up and dry off, but no one goes to the ocean and only looks at it from the shore. some of us need to swim in it. we need to let it rock us around a little bit, so that we can appreciate the stability we have on the beach. and in time, once youve been in the water long enough, you learn to tread. you learn to swim. you learn the motion of the waves so that you can keep your head above water.

the city is just something i need. i grow in new york. i learn in new york. here on the beach, i rest. i regroup. and i love this place for that reason. but this is just my towel and umbrella. this is not my ocean. ive learned all the lessons i can learn from this place. ive graduated, and choosing to stay here would be like regressing a grade. ive moved on from all of this. no, im not saying im better than all of it, im just in a different place now. now higher or lower. just different. i know different things. im forming my own thoughts and opinions and learning so much about myself. i dont want that to stop. and since ive been home, sadly, it has. i dont feel like im doing anything. because im not. my heart isnt here anymore. i left it here once. that was a terrible mistake. now its in a suitcase, ready to cross into the next stage of my life in my new york.