what a whirlwind few days. ive been here since wednesday and have already seen and done so much. shaunia and i spent wednesday night and all day thursday sightseeing. it was wonderful. the last few times i've been here i didnt make it out to the statue of liberty or really anywhere in the financial district. it was very cool to see the progress thats been made down there since september 11th. the last time i was there was my senior year of highschool . i also showed her times square of course. at night. which is the best time to see it. we went to grand central station and central park. we just kind of walked around and enjoyed the sights. very very nice couple days.
fast forward to 4th of july. so very hot out. i went to brunch with phil in robert down in chelsea. brunch in new york is like church everywhere else. it happens every sunday. typically mid afternoon. and everyone gathers to chat over pancakes and unlimited momosas. for most its something never to be missed. we had a great time catching up. i hadnt seen them since being back and i missed them so so much. after brunch i thought itd be nice to just walk around the village with my camera and enjoy the day. bad plan. it was at least 114 degrees outside. i wasnt having it. so i ventured back to the apartment in astoria and decided id probably just stay in for the night... also a bad plan. it wasnt long before i was bored and decided to just bite the bullet and go to a rooftop party i had been invited to and watch the fireworks. it was magical. way up on a very tall building, with an undisturbed view of the hudson river and the barges from which the fireworks were being shot off, we sat, drank, and took lots of pictures. such a fun night. i made lots of very cool new friends. seeing the fireworks reflected on the skyscrapers and the water of the hudson, the people filling the streets, the sound of busy traffic. i fell in love witht he city all over again. its such an amazing place to be. no matter what life has dealt you before, if you make it to new york city, land you work hard, and you find the right people... life can be beautiful.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
collecting cans. talking about girls.
remember when we used to sit in the big brown chair and talk about girls?
remember when we spent a day fishing and all i caught was a crate?
remember driving your truck down dirt roads and collecting cans to turn into recycling?
yeah, me either.
it seems now all we remember are all the disappointments and all the shortcomings. every time ive missed a service or all the things i did that you didnt approve of. comments like, "one day you'll get saved and wont do this theatre stuff anymore." or "one day you'll love your pepaw and not wear your hair like that anymore." those memories have replaced nearly all of the happier ones. sometime after i started to develop a sense of self, you stopped being a grandparent and started acting more like my pastor. i miss the grandparent. you dont look at me like your grandson anymore. i see it when you look at me. to you, im just a sinner. the disappointment hangs all over your face. but i cant apologize for it. i should be allowed a grandfather and not another judge. it doesnt bother me that you disagree with me, or my lifestyle. you are allowed your opinions, but stop allowing these differences to box up all good times we've had and shelve them like ancient history.
we've gotten to a place where we are merely polite to eachother and tolerate eachothers company. all because im not in church. if that is more important than a relationship between grandson and grandchild, and furthermore, between father and son, then what you preached to me for all those years is lies. because according to the doctrine you so adamently tout, Jesus loved the sinner as much as the christian. He, in fact, fellowshiped with the sinner more. and made it known that He would be the judge, not you. so pray for me. i've always asked you to. but please, stop this business of shutting me out.
i cant say all of this without saying how badly i am hurt that you have chosen the side you have pertaining to the sexual abuse i suffered at the hands of a man you hold so high. you tell others that you do not believe me because there is no proof that is happened. i ask you, when is there ever solid proof that someone has been molested? especially several years after the fact. i think you saw the proof before it ever happened. you knew this man had a problem before i was even born. you, yourself witnessed the behavior and heard accounts of him victimizing others. but instead of acting as anything more than a preacher, you refused to get him help and simply tried to pray the problem away. look where it got us. i went through 10 years of abuse. i think you are afraid to admit it happened because you are afraid to admit that, in this case, prayer simply didnt work. you have said that i am equally to blame for the effects this has had on me. what blame will you take in all of this. you allow this "man of God" in your home. in your church. you feed him, you fellowship with him, he fellowships with your people. all the while the 10 year old he victimized barely gets 10 minutes of your time. and those 10 minutes typically center around what poor decisions im making and how "one day ill..." ... be the grandson you'd hoped for, and not the one i am. you have to accept me just as ive accepted you. you may never change your position on what has happened and i've come to terms with that. ive come my half of the way. you come yours. i would never say any of this to your face because i respect you. but i cannot respect your behavior, when it is hypocritical to what you teach.
remember that time you taught me to tie my shoes on your front porch?
remember that time i spent days helping you work at your bookstore?
remember that time i helped you mow the church lawn?
yeah, me either.
remember when we spent a day fishing and all i caught was a crate?
remember driving your truck down dirt roads and collecting cans to turn into recycling?
yeah, me either.
it seems now all we remember are all the disappointments and all the shortcomings. every time ive missed a service or all the things i did that you didnt approve of. comments like, "one day you'll get saved and wont do this theatre stuff anymore." or "one day you'll love your pepaw and not wear your hair like that anymore." those memories have replaced nearly all of the happier ones. sometime after i started to develop a sense of self, you stopped being a grandparent and started acting more like my pastor. i miss the grandparent. you dont look at me like your grandson anymore. i see it when you look at me. to you, im just a sinner. the disappointment hangs all over your face. but i cant apologize for it. i should be allowed a grandfather and not another judge. it doesnt bother me that you disagree with me, or my lifestyle. you are allowed your opinions, but stop allowing these differences to box up all good times we've had and shelve them like ancient history.
we've gotten to a place where we are merely polite to eachother and tolerate eachothers company. all because im not in church. if that is more important than a relationship between grandson and grandchild, and furthermore, between father and son, then what you preached to me for all those years is lies. because according to the doctrine you so adamently tout, Jesus loved the sinner as much as the christian. He, in fact, fellowshiped with the sinner more. and made it known that He would be the judge, not you. so pray for me. i've always asked you to. but please, stop this business of shutting me out.
i cant say all of this without saying how badly i am hurt that you have chosen the side you have pertaining to the sexual abuse i suffered at the hands of a man you hold so high. you tell others that you do not believe me because there is no proof that is happened. i ask you, when is there ever solid proof that someone has been molested? especially several years after the fact. i think you saw the proof before it ever happened. you knew this man had a problem before i was even born. you, yourself witnessed the behavior and heard accounts of him victimizing others. but instead of acting as anything more than a preacher, you refused to get him help and simply tried to pray the problem away. look where it got us. i went through 10 years of abuse. i think you are afraid to admit it happened because you are afraid to admit that, in this case, prayer simply didnt work. you have said that i am equally to blame for the effects this has had on me. what blame will you take in all of this. you allow this "man of God" in your home. in your church. you feed him, you fellowship with him, he fellowships with your people. all the while the 10 year old he victimized barely gets 10 minutes of your time. and those 10 minutes typically center around what poor decisions im making and how "one day ill..." ... be the grandson you'd hoped for, and not the one i am. you have to accept me just as ive accepted you. you may never change your position on what has happened and i've come to terms with that. ive come my half of the way. you come yours. i would never say any of this to your face because i respect you. but i cannot respect your behavior, when it is hypocritical to what you teach.
remember that time you taught me to tie my shoes on your front porch?
remember that time i spent days helping you work at your bookstore?
remember that time i helped you mow the church lawn?
yeah, me either.
shaunia.
todays photo shoot was for shaunia. we've been friends for 10 long years and i heart her to death. she's been my right hand the entirre time ive been home this summer. today, we got some gorgeous shots of her. we were both really happy with how they turned out. i owe a lot to her. more than just a few pretty pictures. cannot wait for our road trip to the city!
Sunday, June 27, 2010
jacki and i.
what a very productive sunday.
jacki came over. we took some photos. some of my best i think. she had the idea to recreate twiggy's iconic first modeling shots in a modern shoot. as you can see in my previous posting, they turned out great. she was a fantastic model. we also took some photos together. today was the last day im going to see her until im back in september for our friend kat's wedding. i'll miss her so so much!
jacki today.
jacki is one of my very best friends. here are some photos i did of her today.
6/27/10
jacki
my backporch
6/27/10
jacki
my backporch
Saturday, June 26, 2010
this very moment.
time: 3:40 a.m.
location: my bed
drink: diet peach snapple
mood: mer
mood: mer
song: you dont know me at all - ben folds (ft. regina spektor)
on my mind: new york, concrete jungle where dreams are made of
...
i wrote a really long entry about john again, but decided to delete it. you're welcome.
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