collecting cans. talking about girls.

remember when we used to sit in the big brown chair and talk about girls?

remember when we spent a day fishing and all i caught was a crate?

remember driving your truck down dirt roads and collecting cans to turn into recycling?

yeah, me either.

it seems now all we remember are all the disappointments and all the shortcomings. every time ive missed a service or all the things i did that you didnt approve of. comments like, "one day you'll get saved and wont do this theatre stuff anymore." or "one day you'll love your pepaw and not wear your hair like that anymore." those memories have replaced nearly all of the happier ones. sometime after i started to develop a sense of self, you stopped being a grandparent and started acting more like my pastor. i miss the grandparent. you dont look at me like your grandson anymore. i see it when you look at me. to you, im just a sinner. the disappointment hangs all over your face. but i cant apologize for it. i should be allowed a grandfather and not another judge. it doesnt bother me that you disagree with me, or my lifestyle. you are allowed your opinions, but stop allowing these differences to box up all good times we've had and shelve them like ancient history.
we've gotten to a place where we are merely polite to eachother and tolerate eachothers company. all because im not in church. if that is more important than a relationship between grandson and grandchild, and furthermore, between father and son, then what you preached to me for all those years is lies. because according to the doctrine you so adamently tout, Jesus loved the sinner as much as the christian. He, in fact, fellowshiped with the sinner more. and made it known that He would be the judge, not you. so pray for me. i've always asked you to. but please, stop this business of shutting me out.
i cant say all of this without saying how badly i am hurt that you have chosen the side you have pertaining to the sexual abuse i suffered at the hands of a man you hold so high. you tell others that you do not believe me because there is no proof that is happened. i ask you, when is there ever solid proof that someone has been molested? especially several years after the fact. i think you saw the proof before it ever happened. you knew this man had a problem before i was even born. you, yourself witnessed the behavior and heard accounts of him victimizing others. but instead of acting as anything more than a preacher, you refused to get him help and simply tried to pray the problem away. look where it got us. i went through 10 years of abuse. i think you are afraid to admit it happened because you are afraid to admit that, in this case, prayer simply didnt work. you have said that i am equally to blame for the effects this has had on me. what blame will you take in all of this. you allow this "man of God" in your home. in your church. you feed him, you fellowship with him, he fellowships with your people. all the while the 10 year old he victimized barely gets 10 minutes of your time. and those 10 minutes typically center around what poor decisions im making and how "one day ill..." ... be the grandson you'd hoped for, and not the one i am. you have to accept me just as ive accepted you. you may never change your position on what has happened and i've come to terms with that. ive come my half of the way. you come yours. i would never say any of this to your face because i respect you. but i cannot respect your behavior, when it is hypocritical to what you teach.

remember that time you taught me to tie my shoes on your front porch?

remember that time i spent days helping you work at your bookstore?

remember that time i helped you mow the church lawn?

yeah, me either.